How far

Recently life has taken a turn. I have been thinking a lot about my walk with God and what separates me from the rest of the world? I so often blend in with my friends who are not Christians and I am tired of it. So when I find myself in a situation where I can choose to stand up for what is right, knowing the consequences, or stand back and watch as the world passes me by and influences me in negative ways, what will I choose. In that moment I have a decision to make, do I stand up for my beliefs and rules of the community that I am in, or do I sit back and let it go once again and try to keep the peace in order to remain friends with these people. Knowing full well the consequences, the risks, the rejection that could come of this, my heart rethinks the idea. What could I loose? What friendships could be broken from this? Will there be peace in the situation or will there just be extra stress because of my actions. What is right? What is our purpose of why we go to school at this university? What was the initial appeal to this university besides learning? For me, at least, it was the feel of walking on campus and knowing that God was amongst this community. There was an anticipation for learning, growing spiritually and every which way. I know that part of me has truly embraced this aspect but has struggled with really putting it into practice. Sometimes we excuse behavior that should not be excusable because we figure everyone should know better and do not want to cause problems. But that is when the problem arises, when we are living to please man and not God, when the deciding factor of saying something or not saying something comes down to what will this cost me, there is defiantly something wrong there. Do we cease to realize that God has paid the price for our screw ups and the least we could do is step out and stand up for something that we believe to be true and right. Does not seem right that when we say with our mouths that this wrong and yet we turn around and in the privacy of our homes, apartments, or dorms do what we know makes others stumble and fall. That is not what I am about, nor what I have been called to be about.
So I found myself the other night thinking over and praying about the decision to do something about a problem that had recently arose in my life. I have struggled and wrestled with the fact that I have lost friends because I said something about what was happening. I wondered if what I did was right, was it what God asked me to do? I know that I did it out of love and meant no harm to those that my actions affected but I simply was done standing around watching as these events occurred around me. I know the results of my actions a little bit more and I keep hearing God telling that what I did was the right thing. I know that my heart has been in the right place this whole time. And yet I still question whether this decision to speak up was the right thing. Was it worth loosing these friends, potentially forever? I know the right "Christian" answer to this question is yes. But I was not sure if I knew that this was the answer that was in my heart and what I believed. Then I realized something. When examining my thought process and why, if I ever would, I would take back the decision that I made to speak up. The reasons that I came up with consisted of answer that only benefited me and my comfort and my well being. I hadn't even noticed, but the decisions that I had been making in my life have been based on my needs and my desire to please and fit in with everyone and I am done with that. I am not living for man but living for God. I will stand up for my beliefs and my convictions and will speak the truth in love to my brothers and sisters in Christ that are out of order. This could, and will probably, cost me a great deal but at the end of the day they are not the ones that decide my fate, they are not the ones that love me anywhere close to the way that God loves me. I say this statement, not to be rude or anything like that because I love my friends, but I am not living for them, I am not living to please them any longer. God has called me to something bigger in life than to try and please those around me and never speaking up. He died so I may have a voice and I am going to use it out of obedience and trust in him.

Forgiveness and A New View of God

I just got out of a viewing of "As We Forgive", a documentary about reconciliation in Rwanda after the genocide in 1994. I am amazed at the things that I have learned from viewing this documentary. My heart is in pieces as I watched several people's lives portrayed in front of me. Some of them had forgiven those that brought pain and death to their family members. And one particular set of people who struggled with the concept of forgiveness and releasing the angry that occurred over so many years and my heart hurts for these people. They ask how can this be possible when they have so much pain and so much angry towards that person and those others that caused so much pain and death all around them to those who were their neighbors. My heart is brought to the realization that I do this same thing. I have struggled for a number of years with forgiving certain people in my life due to things that have occurred in my life. These things have felt so huge and have felt like a mountain that I cannot climb ever. And while I have made some progress in this journey of forgiveness, my heart is still hard 90% of the time toward these individuals that have caused me pain and hurt. Tonight I realized something I think is significant in this journey with God and my journey of healing from these past wounds. As I sat there hearing these stories of many people, my heart was convicted. Here are these people who have had everything taken out from under them by their neighbors, those that they trusted and built relationship with, but yet they have found a way to love and to forgive and begin the process of healing from the past. And here I am struggling to forgive someone for a remark that was made on the phone to me or about me. Stupid, petty things that keep me from God and from a relationship with that person who I love so dearly but struggle to be around most of the time because of the past. It is amazing the understand of God that the Rwandan people have. A friend and I talked about this after the documentary and he said their view of forgiveness is this: Jesus came and forgave them, a sinner; so why shouldn't they forgive those that have killed their family members? Their concept of God and Jesus is so much bigger than my own, which is so crazy to me, seeing as they have nothing, they don't have a fancy school to go to in order to learn about God or the Bible, but they have experienced God's love and restoration and healing in a way that I cannot grasp one bit. And that is so humbling to me. It is also encouraging and challenging. I am so fortunate to live where I do, go to school where I do, have the rights and security that I do, and yet how often do I take it for granted? I skip class so often and I waste food and I do so much stuff that is not what a person in my position should ever do. So my challenge is what now? What will I do in order to see that things in my life change? How will I remember this and will I do something about it? Will I become a person who learns from these people? What difference can I make by knowing this knowledge? What will you do? This blog is just the begin of my journey of discovering who I am in this life and how I can help or impact someone. I pray that I would have people around me that would keep accountable in this process and challenge me.